that_awesome_loser: (Default)
2017-02-02 06:31 am

(no subject)

It's been a while, but I apologize to anyone who's seen my bitchy/ranty posts... it was a strange few weeks, both the one I was posting daily, and the last 1 or two. But from now on, no more bitchy rants... no promises on that, actually.

Having said that! I got accepted to school! I know, I know, i'm turning 33 in October, and whaaat!? Yes i'm taking Office Administration, because my natural working environment, is at a computer, not on a line, pushing dead hogs through saws, at a meat packing plant, lead by corrupt, money grubbing assholes, who don't give a shit about the hundreds of people they make miserable... to give you an idea of my very unnatural and unhappy last 3-4 years of existing.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.
that_awesome_loser: (Default)
2017-01-22 01:35 am

it's a different time, dear strangers...

So, of my two goals, very happily, one seems to be more likely, of the two...
I now have a journal/diary/blog, on a still active, supported, supporter-
- thanks dreamwidth creators
- I'm not sure how long it's been around, but in all of the important ways, it closely resembles Blurty, I used that mainly in 2003, and when I was 18 years old.
- Much like with the times, i've become allot different, that's life of course... and I've been able to overcome allot of things, i've improved, and various great and terrible experiences combined, have helped shape me with lessons and all that life can give you if you're ready, or not ready, but can adapt and all those wonderful things. I like all the important ways that i've remained myself, but as i've improved, i've only become more myself. That's what life is meant to be for all beings.

Unfortunately, the internet's changed in all sorts of ways too.
- When the internet went mainstream, mostly around the turn of the century (i didn't have full-time access to a computer until 2000, (so, 15-16) there were only certain types of people that were internet-nerds, internet-nerds was still a derogatory term given by all the people I knew in high school to be highly social, active on sports teams, good at or at least ABLE to talk to girls...
- Whereas i spent weeknights and weekends mostly on the net, watching movies, late-blooming, but it became something wonderful, because all of us from shades of light to dark, were a part of it together... we had websites, teen, napster, ICQ-later MSN messenger, and forums.
- LiveJournal and Blurty were the first trendy blog supporters that came about, and for a few years, it was still only we, who had access to, and frequently used them.

- WHILE THAT WAS GOING ON... I was an 18 year old in Kitchener, using Blurty, and contacting (via Blurty-friending and comment threads), with about 20 people i'd never met, and was never going to meet. I had a bit more of a social life,, but I enjoyed that random comeradery,, because it was completely acceptable to be a stranger, and connect on the BASE level of being an introvert, on the BASE level of being an outsider so-to-speak, because your intellect was louder than your ability to be glib, and campaign to be liked.
- We pimped out our profiles and blogs with our personal reflections, troubles, pop culture we liked (and no longer cared if people thought it was lame), and we made these hard-as-lightning-to-capture random connections, with other bloggers, that had depth, and were meaningful,, these friendships meant something.

2004 - the dawn of myspace, and the true dawn of spam-bots, and truly undignified bullies and antagonizers
Insert, also the dawn of "i need to connect with everybody i know"
& "i have reasons to be afraid to connect with anyone I don't know"

2006 - when Facebook came to my town...
then twitter, then instagram,
the end of privacy,
then the end of social skills and society in so many sad, narcissistic, troublesome ways

I've been able to boycott social media, yay
i've been able to find a currently-functioning blog maker..
People on it are still actually blogging and communicating...
Which is where I find, I can no longer connect with strangers, because we all, understandably have too many things we know about TODAY's online world, in addition to just the basic privacy things that everyone always knew about since 1997

I've tried a few times, too hard, to make first contact, it was strange and unwelcome, hell it got awkward for me too!
Thanks for subscribing if you have
Don't worry, this blog is just for me, communicate only if you're truly inclined to,
sorry for anyone offended.
that_awesome_loser: (Default)
2017-01-21 11:23 pm

when did i become a shut-in?

So tonight was the first time in quite a few months that I went out (to an event i was looking forward to, mind you) on my own.. a david bowie tribute, downtown Kitchener. Fuck me, if 60% of the people there were all folks I knew from the music scene.

I went hungry, and hoping there would be sitting room.. there was neither
my old friend Daniela from college was there so we stood together for a while; getting pushed around by allot of people, staff had to squeeeeze through, and the bums and coke-heads started pouring in... bless their self-victimizing souls...
and deciding that no, i'm too old and not interested in getting fucked up, and too in-a-relationship to be out and standing uncomfortably, around going-to-get-laid dudes.. the one cokey guy was hitting on Dee,, which didn't bother me, except for if he was making her uneasy,, so on my way out, i pointed out where she could go sit among mutual friends.
I hit Wendy's on the way home, and there you have it, home at 11:30pm writing a blog, and allot more comfortable...

But alas, all types of people from the scene i've been interested in meeting and talking to, Ryan Cassidy, Tasha Allain and Jojo Worthington were there, old friends Dennis Napper, Ryan Allen, Lynn and Mark, people from the Boathouse and The Duke... and sadly, they all have known me to cut out early... the good friends in the band who were doing the tribute (which i thoroughly enjoyed the first hour and a half of) I didn't get to see finish.. I got to talk to them.. but I didn't like being in a position in which I couldn't help but leave for home, but on a night that I intended to enjoy late into the night. I miss being the guy who hadn't seen it all before and enjoying the night until i'd be up lazily typing a blog on here at 2:30am or so. But there you have it, a rare, but predictable on my account, Saturday night.

Missing Katie.

that_awesome_loser: (Default)
2017-01-20 01:12 am

smart films, filed under 'independant'

I'm glad I got those stream-of-consciousness, ranty posts off my chest. Certainly I was asking the cosmos and possibly or hopefully strangers, to take a gander. Great first impression. THIS post will be a better example of my posts, if not daily events- just a topic and elaboration...

what brings my love to indie-films:
- lesser known/seen actors/actresses
- lesser told stories and screenplays, typically completely original
- movies range from intense, to avant-garde, to whatever you get in hollywood but 'almost' as good, and the best of these get noticed at festivals and re-released to the larger mainstream audience...
- okay this went from saying my favourite things- to just answering- what's an indie film? but you get it, I like them, there are some amazing cerebral, and philosophical experiences that can happen when a lesser known director takes the reigns and has the right amount of help.

some movies i recently enjoyed thoroughly:
- the netflix original series: Black Mirror & The OA
- Nymphomaniac (Volume 1 & 2)
- I Origins
- The East

All excluding Black Mirror, are collaborated on by either directors Mike Cahill or Zal Batmanglij, and this brilliant brilliant and interesting writer/actress named Brit Marling... and they aim to give us sensations that evoke thoughts of parallel universes, afterlife, morality questions... it's just amazing work. If you haven't heard of these titles, or the one i'm aiming to see but haven't yet "Another Earth" I urge and recommend you check them out!

Other favourite indie films include:
Roger Avary's The Rules Of Attraction, Danny Boyle's Trainspotting & Sunshine, believe it or not, Under The Skin (even though I don't understand it, it's hypnotic).

that_awesome_loser: (Default)
2017-01-19 02:41 am

i'll be right there, i'm blogggin'!

mopey bf syndrome - and self aware enough to acknowledge, be warned
(does not reflect me in every moment, but certain times of the day)

My girlfriend is one of the best people I know, at maintaining a positive outlook... even in the face of events or situations that would put me in a sour place for the rest of the day, week, month, or even my year. This means that she also has this incredible ability to accept me, for being a super positive guy, who occasionally... okay, fuck it... OFTEN can spiral into the desperate malaize of work week blues, and bitch, and going on about the negative side of all my gripes,,, and so forth. She accepts me for being this guy, and where most wouldn't have made it official, with this type of person, she's established "i'm here to stay, and i love you no matter what". Amazing.

This is the paragraph, ^^^ that needs to precede, WHATEVER from here on out, that I might post, regarding my lovely gal. We had a wonderful time at the end of the work week- Friday night last, until Sunday morning. I usually have gone to visit her on Sunday evenings when she's done work, which I return home from, and then the work week starts. And I wait for it to end, so I can see her the following Friday night... that's the basic set up,, with daily phone calls and texts.. That's how we fake the it's not long-distance (which it isn't really, in actuality) but it keeps us in each other's day to day life, when in-person isn't afforded every day...

In the lovely gal's work life (she's a synchro coach, working full time here, there, and part time at the YMCA),, and Synchro is entering competition season.. no big deal, i've been through this before. Guess what competition season means, it means, i'll see you in three weeks honey. I saw her this past Sunday morning.. and THANKFULLY, THANKFULLY the weekend i'll see her next is the one before Valentine's Day, so we'll get to celebrate it together, and then another two weeks i'm assuming... this shit sucks. And the thing that gets under my skin about it, is that she can't even express to me, that it bothers her, even in a moment (a moment of open solemness isn't going to make her a negative person, but,) it would at least make me feel like i'm just having a one-ended bit of misery, when she's explaining that we aren't going to see each other for three weeks.

She knows it's not something I hold against anyone, and certainly not her,, but it's a bummer. She knows that being bummed out about it isn't taking up all 24 hours of the day,, but for a series of moments,, heck maybe 1-2 hours, I can't help but feel bummed out and longing,, it's natural. At least she intergected at some point during our last call longer than 5 minutes, to let me know she isn't the happiest either about it. that one simple telling of that, to me, finally made all the difference.

I appreciate that if only in blog form, that even though my problems aren't that great, that I can just be open about the moments I feel blah, and express it!

a visit with my sister...

So, I'm an only child, but for the last ten years, i've had a surrogate sister- whom i've worked with on a Radio show, live music in the area, and OODLES and OODLES of coffees and cigarettes, I know most of her family, and she's as much like having an actual sister as I could have been given in this life. Since I started working at the Pork plant, visits have dulled down from almost nightly, to semi-monthly,, but each catch-up is very reliably nourishing and back-and-forth helpful, as well as flipping entertaining. I finally got to catch her up on some of my little things, boycotting social media, the local music scene's insestuous drama and attempting to break down the psychology that goes into 'their' self-destructive ways, that ultimately creates that toxic atmosphere that I merely stood on the same grounds of, but didn't participate in... and so we congratulated ourselves and each other for creating our own levels of DISTANCE from all of it. It was a great visit, MOST OF ALL, I enjoyed the social part of it,, we weren't presenting a surface and image or meme,, we were just talking and bare-ing our shit, on the table.. and in response, the other didn't click a button,, it was a genuine interaction, and it was proof positive that we all need that in our lives,, more than we think we need to see notifications,, we all need to connect with people and attempt all the time, to make the space in our lives for it to occur.

PS: She works as a note-taker at the college i'll be attending, it has a fucking elective, called Metaphors to Vampires or something, and it's all about the philosophy connecting society to(as reflected in) pop culture,, i'm like, THAT'S MY SHIT!!! People are going to be signing up and then leaving when they realize it's not just 'talking about movies', that it's actually a breakdown of literature and philosophy,, i couldn't have been more intellectually aroused at the idea of being in a class that grades you on your ability to break that apart... especially when that's all my FAVOURITE thing to discuss!! I'm taking it!!

Sayonara for now-ah.

that_awesome_loser: (Default)
2017-01-18 08:32 am

felt like writing a morning blog

Alright, I love the smell of writing a blog in the morning. It smells like... victory. So it's Wednesday morning, and these are the days my friend Nick and I, record our Podcast, Fuklemonde. That's french for "fuck the world". I won't say too much more about it, but if you're interested, pm me and maybe i'll send you a link.

In the meantime, in the part of Canada I live, we had freezing rain last night, and I literally almost got into a terrible car accident, on a road that CLEARLY had no road maintenance, even consider salting it. I was sliding for a good ten seconds, which is an eternity when it's pitch black through the windows, and all you're doing is sliding. But then I thought, this is like a metaphor for the region. For those of you who've never been to Kitchener/Waterloo, Ontario... We are a University city, some big businesses in the heart of downtown Kitchener, some just outside, and Waterloo has 2 University campuses over there, in Waterloo. Here and there in between are struggling, but good-moment-having venues and Portland OR-like cafes and artistic places, with the art-rich neighbourhood we bless ourselves with having. Everything else is made up of druggies, blue-collar folks, newfies (don't laugh, my Mom's from the East Coast), and in an increasingly more impossible region for anyone to desire either living in, or buying a house in. If you're a yuppie moving in from Toronto, have fun here, the rest of us have to look elsewhere.

So, sometimes I have to worry just a little bit and wonder, where does that put me on the spectrum? Without giving the person who may read this, too much of an insight.. the decisions I made in my education between childhood and now, have led me to a full-time job in a Pork Factory, following (not too closely) by 10+ years working retail, at Partsource. I studied Music and Broadcasting at College, and no career there. My girlfriend and I want to move in together, but before that i've had to seriously work some things out, like how... and other things like, how. I have SOME answers for that, but it still  remains a mystery.

The other frustration, is that she lives in another city, about 45 minutes away off 401/6 hwy, and works regular hours, which means I only get to see her from Friday night to Sunday morning... which should answer the question you wouldn't ask probably: why do you never say yes to Saturday over-time shifts, Todd? So, to give you SOME insight, i'm anxiously awaiting to hear back from Conestoga College in the next couple of weeks, to find out if I got accepted. If so, i'll be going back to school for Office Administration-Executive (in the category of...Business? whaaat). So wish me luck on that. I seem to have an easy time with/interest in, typing at length, simply for my own amusement, and solitary work :P...

And so concludes this morning's stream of consciousness. Have a good day!

PS: If you ever see me having written a british-ism, it's cause I secretly want to live in England (not the England riddled with economic and other problems of today, but maybe 20yrs-10yrs ago when my favourite bands were still coming out of there), Cheers!

that_awesome_loser: (Default)
2017-01-18 01:07 am

i was a millennial before it was uncool

Here's my attempt at a proper HELLO entry : D

So, at the very least, i'm looking for- and have found here on DW- a classic blogging website... as both (a) a way of expressing myself in the art of diary and blog (as in thoughts and feelings, opinions, quandaries, etc.)... and as a way of boycotting all of the B.S. that the internet has provided the world with, since I started blogging and went to College.

My next entry will start with myself at the age of 18, in 2003 (sentimental to me because of that part of my life and things going on offline), using Blurty and MSN Messenger, and only at home... and it'll go from there, but that was the pinnacle of NECESSARY social media. It peaked there, and then Mark Zuckerberg turned us all into 2-dimensional zombies, who aren't interested in getting to know more than the SurfacE, of the people around them.

The (b) intent: to find, meet and interact, with other people who've somehow found themselves on this platform.. who've been brave enough (since the internet's been warped by dick-photographers and mental cases that have nothing better to do then spam: spam or their negative)- sorry, brave enough, to share their thoughts and feelings on the net, the way the BLOG originally intended them to. example: people tweet, mainly PR for their glib social ability,, or use a tumblr, to repost something produced by someone else, and they're considered "deep",,, people take a photo, and they're a "photographer"?? people pose in-FRONT of the camera, and they're a "model"?? and sadly whether they can admit it or not,, most of the world has been reduced to this now... it's sad, it's really sad.

Someone tell me there's a life happening and a whirlwind of experiences and emotions along with it! Someone tell me there's someone who can type + a soul inside the body. Even if we're strangers, i'll be more than happy to read and comment on your journals, than clicking a like button on the minute-to-minute bullshit, posted by people i supposedly know in life.

Blog renaissance, Let it be.

that_awesome_loser: (Default)
2017-01-17 02:26 am

(no subject)

Maybe this'll go better on here..